We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
