my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
