Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
