My liver just broke up with me...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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