I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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