There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
