I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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