i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
