i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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