dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
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No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
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Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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