hotel room ftw
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
