I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
