my soul wont recognize me after tonight
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I am midnight drunk by noon
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
