I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
