I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
