You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
