If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
