He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
