This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
