I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You are a genius and a whore.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
