her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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