Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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