Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
