the condom got lost in my hair
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
