Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
