Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
