I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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