i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
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I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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