So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
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I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
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I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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