Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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