She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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