I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
