just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
