bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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