can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
