Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
