There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
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