guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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