Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
40s are totally the cure
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
