Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
