Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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