I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
