When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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