allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It's shark week go big or go home
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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