I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
