You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
