i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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