I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
