I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
