i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
