I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
