This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
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At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
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I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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