There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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