I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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