i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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